I and my girlfriend are having a

Dear Internet Users, One day you will really regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms and Conditions.

Superb thought. For every idiot there is an equal and opposite idiot. They are called husband and wife.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist, While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it. Sincerely, The Opportunist

I hate when people tell me to relax. If it was that easy, don’t you think I would have done that already?

Heart: I’m going on emotional strike. I’ll no longer produce any feelings without proper compensation.

Customer: There is only one piece of meat in my plate. Waiter: Don’t worry, Sir! I will cut it in two.