News of the World will email

I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. I realised it is very dangerous.

I’m getting tired of writing Sent from my iPhone at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just . .. … …. get an iPhone!

Think big, think smart, think positive, think beautiful, think great, I know this is too much for you, so here is a shortcut… just think about ME!

Behind every successful man there is a woman! So if you aspire to be more successful, increase the number of women behind you proportionately. Look, it’s so simple!

An Appraisal discussion: Manager: This is your revised salary, keep it confidential. Employee: Don’t worry, I am equally ashamed of it!

What’s the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you and torture is thinking of you too much.