Senility is when you forget

A motorist was helping his extremely fat victim to rise. Couldn’t you have gone around me? growled the victim. Sorry, said the motorist, sadly. I wasn’t sure whether I had enough gasoline!

Height of insult: Girl messages her boyfriend: I can’t live without you. Will you marry me??? Reply comes: Who’s this? I lost all my contacts.

Q: How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent? A: When she starts her sentence with, ‘My husband told me.’

A rich blonde girl, was walking by the river in the wild. Suddenly, she saw a crocodile. She screamed, ‘Oh my God! Help! Lacoste!’

Men love war because it allows them to look serious. because it is the one thing that stops women laughing at them

How do you know when kids start to grow up? Girls grow up when they start to put lipstick and boys grow up when they start to wipe it off!