The neighbour’s wife

I tried Internet dating, but I quickly realized it wasn’t for me when they matched me up with my wife!

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, I’ve found a man just like father! Mother replied, So what do you want from me, sympathy?

Wife: If I die first, I want you to promise to let my mother ride in the first car with you at the funeral procession. Husband: OK, but it will totally ruin my day!

Women’s Dictionary: NO = YES May be = No We need = I want We need to talk = You are in deep trouble.

A man who surrenders when he’s WRONG, is HONEST. A man who surrenders when he’s NOT SURE, is WISE. A man who surrenders when he’s RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

Husband standing on the scale, holding his stomach in. Wife: I do not think that is going to help. Husband: Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?